What if I am Pleasantly Surprised?

                                                                                                                                  1/20/2021

I made it! 

Wondering what to write about.

 Usually I have a million things on my mind.

 I didn’t sleep well last night. 

The past few nights I’ve been waking up around 1:30 and struggling to get back to sleep, tossing and turning for a few hours.

 This has happened in the past when I quit smoking but usually within the first week of cessation. I’ve been tobacco free for three weeks now so I wouldn’t necessarily relate the lack of sleep to withdrawal.

 I remember my nutritional therapist saying something about the adrenal glands and the hours between 1:30 and 3:30 a.m., suggesting I keep a high fat snack near the bed. Can’t remember the specifics but I’ll try it tonight.

 I’ve been making treats by mixing equal parts raw honey and palm oil with some sea salt and freezing blobs of it in an ice cube tray. I think they are one of the most delicious treats, I can’t get enough. Like frozen salty caramels.

 I remember thinking that I would feel deprived on the gaps diet, imagining myself gagging down the one hundred millionth bowl of soup, but so far I have been pleasantly surprised. Nine out of ten meals are orgasmic in my mouth. I guess a lot of it has to do with all the richness of the healthy fats. I’ve always loved rich foods. Fettuccine Alfredo was my go to order every time it was on the menu.

 Sunday I took all the gristly fatty parts off the soup bones and threw it in the blender with some stock then used it to make borscht, along with scoops of my homemade sour cream it was one of the tastiest soups ever. 

 I always thought that the flavor in soups came from slowly sauteeing the veggies in a smaller amount of fat to create a carmelized depth. 

For the first stages of gaps I boil all vegetables in meat stock with added animal fat and sea salt until there is barely any life left in them then add raw garlic and a couple tbls of a probiotic food. Sauerkraut juice, beet kvass, and 24 hour sour cream are my current choices. No spices, no frying, no solid foods. I love it!  I want to cook for everyone and convert them to a simple holistic farm fresh way of eating.

I spent last week researching farms in my area that don’t feed their animals any soy. It’s triky to find anything in my budget. Most farms that are completely grass fed have prohibitively high prices. My time spent on farms informs me that it is significantly more work to use non harmful methods, but I am extremely bothered by the capitalistic hold on our food system. Everyone should have access to the best quality food that it takes to stay healthy and have the ultimate quality of life!

I am putting together a spreadsheet with the food items that I am allowed on the gaps diet, where to find them locally, and how much each item is per pound. The results are interesting. Most grocery stores only have one or two items that are gaps legal(at least for this first stage), including Whole Foods and Weavers Way co-op. I made shopping carts on several of the farm websites to compare the total prices and the discrepancy between prices was shocking. With almost identical items in the cart one farm total came out to $450 and the other $275. Some of the items will last all month like the pork leaf lard, and the beef suet, but for the most part I would need to buy these items again in a week or two. Crazy! I placed my first order with a neighborhood business that takes a monthly trip to farm country and brings back the goods to a nearby location and charges a minimal fee. Persnickety Proteins, https://persnicketyprotein.com/  if you’re in Germantown. They’ve researched all the farms and prices and offer items from sustainable and humane farms around Pennslyvania. Feels good to work with someone in the neighborhood. Can’t wait to render my own lard and tallow again. Nothing like it. Once I get down the amount of food I actually eat and time it with farm trips I won’t have to grocery shop anymore. Hmm. I say that outloud and my brain says that I like grocery shopping, it’s a nice break in routine. I wonder what fun pastime could replace grocery shopping?

My brain must be healing if I was able to sit still and write for an hour without feeling the need to switch gears a million times.

Rage found me and didn't care if I knew how to meditate

                                                                                                                    1/19/2021

I actually scheduled an hour of writing everyday at ten a.m.. The time has arrived, I’m excited. I kept a date with myself! Not my usual story. Evidence of my will. I’ve been working through a ton of stuff behind the scenes and while I really want to practice sharing those things in real time, it will take some time for the routine to implant in my daily movements. I began some updates last week that fell apart after the first sentence or two. Basically I was observing my moods and the drastic emotional processing that is happening due to detoxing my body.

Yikes, a couple interruptions later and it’s already 10:30. What would I like to impart before the timer rings?

I’ve noticed a pattern. That feels important. Twice now I have had acupuncture and the day following I had a meltdown of toddler type propensity. Anger that came from so deep there was nothing to do but stand aside as it bubbled over and made it’s way out. I noticed it coming both times. Felt like a tidal wave heading up from my liver. I thought maybe I could outrun it. Perfect time to practice deep breathing and sending love to the forgotten parts of my body. I sat outside with the sun on my face and my feet firmly on the dirt, grounding my energy. The angers’ need to escape was stronger than my will and out it came in the form of gut wrenching sobs, screams, and the need to use the strength of my shoulders and arms with full force. I screamed into a pillow until I wore myself out. I cried to my partner until I needed to sleep. Both times felt different from anger I’ve felt in the past. The focus wasn’t on something in particular. It felt like old particles of every time I was mad were releasing and making their way out. Very cleansing. Both times were hard and scary. There was a moment where I wondered if I would get stuck in the yuckiness. What if I had stirred something up, awoken strong emotional responses that would rule my daily experience from here on out. Luckily it was only a fleeting thought. With my focus on allowing the energy I was able to purge. It left a space for an optimism that feels so fresh and full of joy. The day after, I feel closer to the self that I remember as a child then I’ve felt since I was a child. It’s big. To feel joy and to admit to feeling joy.

I’m dancing around the house, feeling so grateful for all that I have and the lightness that I am experiencing. 

Digesting my food and purging stale energy are bringing back the wonder!

I want to shout out a podcast that keeps popping into my head called “Unbroken Chain”. The host Maura James has a genuine curiosity and sensitivity towards others that is so comforting and brave. I’ve got a lot of episodes to catch up on but the two where she and her partner interview each other  #79/80 are some of my favorite examples of compassionate listening. Also Maura did a series of drawings called the purge totems. Thinking about those mid meltdown helps me feel Okay. Thanks Maura! You can see them on her Instagram @maurajames.

I am resilient

1/12/21

After the uncomfortable and absolute crash that was yesterday, who could guess that today I would feel like wearing lipstick?

I promised myself I would write something yesterday.

Instead I slept most of the day. I told myself that writing a few words would be easy. I even gave myself permission to complain and to write without editing. Just get something down.

I am starting a new healing protocol that I want to document. My gut and mental health have once again stopped me in my tracks. I believe this can be resolved. I’m just going to have to jump in and do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It’ll probably be easier than living with gut pain and depression that always seems to leave me full of regrets.

It’s tricky to know if I am writing for myself or for someone to read. I can hear the voice in my head changing depending on who I think is paying attention.

I want to write for myself. As a way to get to know my inner workings and possibly detect patterns that keep me locked in struggle. And I also want to write for others. Perhaps something I say will be helpful. I guess that’s for me too. I long to be helpful.

And now I’m crying again. There is something so deep in me that longs to be helpful and connected that it is painful to recognize how much I haven’t been.

Having a stomach ache all the time really zaps my joy. I find it so hard to be present. I’m kind of always wishing for whatever I’m doing to be over so that I can lay down with a heating pad. I feel guilty all the time about not being able to play and have fun with my kids.

I only have a small amount of time before I’m needed by someone else, so let’s make a long story short.

I’ve proven to myself that I can do hard things. My instincts tell me that if I go all in on healing I will find relief and have access to my old playful self(it’s been so long and I miss me). So with barely any trepidation I am easing my way into the GAPS introduction diet. My desire to heal has become stronger than my fear of eating soup stock for every meal for two years.

If I can jump in freezing cold salt water and stay for three minutes, repeatedly, I can find the fortitude to feed myself only foods that heal.

Yesterday was HARD. My second day with no grains(Popcorn, my love). Raw garlic with every meal. Lukewarm coffee that was only half caff(so dissapointing). My body was beginning to detox. My brain was cloudy, no access to words, creative thoughts, sensitive to light and sound. Talking was excruciating. Then I went to acupuncture. We worked on my detox pathways and decreasing inflammation(all my joints are swollen and achy). I guess I required stillness to integrate the treatment because my day involved the couch and an occasional youtube video on other people’s GAPS experiences, tiny house tours, and tarot card readings. Feeling like this diet was definitely not worth it. Losing my thoughts on top of everything else is too much. I stuck it out. Had the best boiled in broth burger for dinner. Didn’t expect that to be good. I think allowing myself to be surprised will be the key to moving forward. Looking for surprises.

And today I’m wearing lipstick. Things are looking up.

Tuesday July 14

Monday July 13

Today holds the potential for imaginative resolution!

I’ve been dating potential for several years. I get giddy when I see the word in writing. I’m hoping to have the courage to commit but I occasionally still flirt with lack. 

What do you think of the word wallow? It makes me uncomfortable. The context I jump to when hearing it is wallowing in one’s emotion(tears). While crying can be very cathartic and cleansing, I feel that wallowing implies we are spending too much time on our emotions and should be getting over it. What if it was okay to wallow. What if we appreciated anothers need for strong emotions and time to sit with them? What if wallowing was a sort of emotional bath that helps us settle into ourselves and cleanse. Pigs wallow in the mud and they appear joyful.

I think there are stages of tasting when getting to know a food. To really appreciate a fruit or vegetable it’s important to know it’s characteristics. 

Stage 1: Pick it, wipe it off, bite into it

What qualities do you notice? Juicy, firm, bitter, sweet, salty, crunchy, fragrant….

Do the qualities change as you chew? Start off biiter and end sweet

Stage 2: slice it thin and sprinkle with sea salt

What flavors does the salt enhance?

Stage 3: Experiment with fats.

Which fat pairs well, enhancing but not overpowering?

For example, butter or ghee balance the flavors of a radish while olive oil brings out the spiciness so that you can't  taste other flavors.

Drizzle some different fats on your vegetable and taste.

Stage 4: Roast in the oven

Pair with the fat you’ve chosen and bake at 425 for around 30 minutes. 

This will give you an idea of the ideal flavors when cooked.

Once you understand the flavor profile and know how to enhance the flavor on it’s own, without sauces or condiments, you will have freedom in your kitchen. No need to depend on recipes. Simple food can be complex and delicious.